I am sitting at my desk staring at an Excel spreadsheet. I have been working on it for the last couple of days, and still able to capture tiny mistakes. My brain is slow again and I can smell gluten and chocolate in the air. I feel miserable. It can be called a relapse. I am craving unhealthy food just to feel better, even if this might be followed by more suffering… Still, I am aware that quick fixes do not exist as they are like placing a patch on a piece of fabric, that is already so thin and damaged, that will rip off again at the stitch.
I used to love my job. I remember the excitement going to work in the morning. Where has it gone? I still like lots of its aspects, but the joy has been lost somewhere… So to make donkey task less painful, I listen to TedTalks, trying to get some inspiration. But on days like this, the talkers appear to me as too perfect, too happy, too distant. They all have passion, know what they want, pursue it and are super successful. I’m staring at two monitors with a growing pain in my neck. My physiotherapist advises me to change job.
This is a busy week for HR department. Seven people are leaving the company, so there are lots of goodbyes to say. In the quite big bunch of leavers, there is one manager. We worked together on one project for few months and always managed to have substantial conversations about life in the meantime. He could feel the vibe of the place, from the first day… and today he is leaving.
I feel happy for him as he made a decision to do something that is his. That belongs to him. He knows that he will be good at it. This is what he wanted to do since college. But then live got into the way. Meaning someone else’s expectations. Dreams almost buried. Mortgage to be paid. Kids to be raised and educated. So we are sitting and talking about how we let life to become miserable. How we are going into directions that don’t belong to us. Just like we are passive creatures not able to make our own decisions. Totally hopeless. Fake. Without enjoyment.
How to be True
But I don’t know what is mine. I don’t know how much more thought I need to put in order to find something, that is. Something that will bring more joy and essentially money. Something that I will do with passion. The truth is that passion is not on my side. I guess the only way is to keep looking and trying. Keep working hard, doing even unpleasant tasks and trying different things. Being open. And when the moment comes, make a decision with the gut feeling.