How to Order Love on the Internet

CAT IS NOT AN OPTION

It has been a year of all shades of solitude. My beloved friend  advised me setup an account on Tinder, as he noticed wasted energy. He has an account of his own. I was kind of always worried, that I will end up there, photoshoped pictures, grin on my face saying “swipe me right”. It’s better than living in a gloomy apartment with cats. At least this is what I keep saying to myself.

So far no success. My picture is grained, natural and untouched. I have the stupid smile on my face, which is passing on the message “swipe me left”. But as one of my newly matched night swipers said – it is like going to the supermarket. All kind of people blended together in one, gigantic aisle. Chose and hope you will be chosen as well. Cross your fingers tight!

GOING REAL

Second week of overusing my thumb on the phone screen. My neighbor is waving me from his living room, when I cycle back home. He claims to look at foxes that are coming at night. I am bored. So after work I’m meeting a guy who started to text me at the weekend. It is not the one living nearby. We are meeting where lots of strangers meet – near the Spire. I look at this guy, and can think only one word, a word –  “no”. But I’m putting my brave face on, hoping that nobody will see me with him. He’s my height, but skinnier. It is scary since I’m underweight. He’s wearing a shirt under adidas sweatshirt. Feels like Eastern Europe back in early 90’s. Conversation doesn’t bend my knees either. I finish coffee, say goodbye and write short, informative message, that spark hasn’t been encountered. And do ” unmatch” thing immediately.

Brave girls don’t give up so quickly. So another day, another try. I feel like going to a job interview. The only difference is that I don’t put smart clothes on. Instead, I’m wrapped in my enormous, shapeless sweater  and baggy jeans. At least I have some makeup from the morning. We’re going to my favorite Vietnamese restaurant. We exchange couple of jokes that are sufficiently funny for both of us. He tells me entertaining story about him meeting a Chinese girl, who apparently had some fake pictures to illustrate her virtual profile. In the pictures she shrunk at least two times. He didn’t run away though. At least not yet. As a reward she proposed him “My place?”. Then he runs away. All in all, this guy could make a great companion for drinking beers, but since I don’t drink… I finish the meeting with stupid joke “It was not a total disaster.” He laughs and gives me a hug.

LSD TRIP

I feel like I need a break. So texting only. At least for now.  There is this guy from Tinder  Single Parents Club. We talk and he is intelligent and elaborate. I tell him, that I used to work as addiction counselor. He offers a joint trip on LSD. I kindly turn his offer down. All in all, I might meet him for coffee instead of an acid. If I am brave enough.

And there is this Aussie guy that requires dictionary usage. At least in the beginning. This one makes me cry from laughter. We are on the next level. Talking through Whatsapp now. It is Saturday and we remotely do weekly ironing. I’m watching “The Ranch” and Ashton Kutcher is wearing UGGs. He sends me picture of his (!) UGGs , fixed spectacularly with a duct tape in a classic silver color. I put my dictionary back on the shelf. He’s a better than Ashton Kutcher. He can fix things. So he asks me to go on a date with him. And is feels like going on a real date, after dark, everyday dress, not too smart, not too casual. But the builders are ripping the bathroom from tiles and kitchen sink is out of question here. I have no blinds. A little community spirit – why do we have neighbors? So I have my shower planned, my dress ironed and a fear of being a disappointment.

So there is my piece of advice. No pressure. No rush. There is no Black Friday on Tinder. No seasonal sale just after Christmas. Ordering love on the internet is not an option, unless you are looking for a hookup with someone who keeps his STD in secret. Its more like meeting a stranger at the airport. There is a good conversation or there is a conversation with loose ends. You just need to  keep talking…

 

 

 

 

Leave a Reply